Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Happy Birthday, Beaneet!

Happy Birthday, Beaneet, o brother-from-another-leather. 3 years, big guy!

Thank you for your unconditional support. Otherwise I would've had no option but to hit rock bottom. Apologies for not having opened a Facebook account for you though. (Basic rights, I know, I know, if that total retard-of-a-Gujju-kid on the 2nd floor can have one, why can't you... I know.)

For the past three years, you have always been there beneath, Beaneet. You got kicked around, thrown on the bed, punched, drenched in water, cola, whisky. but not a sound from you.....

Beaneet, some might call you spineless, but I know that you do have a lot of balls.
(That's how you survived last month's 115-kilo body slam from yours truly, remember?) They'll always keep you from tearing apart.

Even though you choose to be glum, all by yourself, we still treat you as a part of our lives. See, now without giving a flying f**k, I resorted to wishing you a happy birthday on a Facebook status update (without using the words 'manuf**tured' or 'p**chase date') Also, I'm not sure you'll be getting the enough amount of likes or not - guess you should have been conceived with some whiskers or a wagging tail ,eh?!

Sure I may have compromised my stance against vain, irrational behaviour that I see many out there succumb to (like clicking a selfie in a room full of humans well-equipped with photo-clicking skills)....but hey, I work in an ad agency, remember??!

Hang in there, bud. Hope the next year may be your fourth, the year after that your fifth, and so on....(you get the drill). Cheers.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Aazadi mubaarak

15th of August. Every day and every year.

It would be very depressing and unbecoming to say that the day brings nothing but gloom. But it would also be very unrealistic and impractical of me to say that right now my chest is swelled up with unabashed Pride for the Nation. If, as an Indian, you have access to your news channels or news on the internet, you are miles away from that real intent is where you are.

Today, I stepped out of my house and took a trip to a land far, far away. Dombivali, to be precise. It must be that patch of greenery, between Dahisar and Thane to be precise, which kinda' made me feel a little less gloomy. The cloud that passed brought my attention to another thought - we live a country that is currently going through an 'unpleasant' phase and yet we do enjoy certain freedoms that we can't really complain about. For example, a person in Mumbai can enjoy roaming the streets at night, thanks to the law and order having scored to that extent, to say the least. Or let's say for a fact that we aren't running errands for our Chinese masters who'll whip us less for that particular day, if impressed by our 'performance'.

A big hats-off to the security forces of the nation. Not just the Armed Forces - Army, Navy and the Air Force - or the Home Guard (GK - check!).Or the cops. But also the gurkhas and watchmen. It's a pity to see them carrying vegetables four storeys up for those obnoxious fat-bitch aunties or being disrespectfully addressed to by their first names by little asshole kids. The watchmen manning the night shifts in my building manage to do a decent job - especially the nights I come sozzled. How? - Well, that's because five minutes after reaching the building gate, I've reached home, instead of banging and yelling/honking the fuck out of the people out of their sleep.

Pretty much everybody who makes you understand the meaning of the word, 'secure'.

A big thank you to them. Atleast they helped me shirk the cobwebs off this damned 'spot.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

While you were praying...

On a dark, depressing chilly street in an Indian town, a 25-year-old guy, his teeth chattering, as he walks along a cemetery strip, murmuring, "Ram ram ram ram ram ram..."


A robust gentleman, deep chest, sparsely clothed in saffron, a quiver full of arrows and a bow on his back knocks on a door, somewhere in India. A young man opens the door.


" called for me??"


"Yeah??! You were the one going, 'Ram ram ram ram ram...", weren't you?"

"Aye tu chutya hai kya be!"

*Slams door*

The gentleman walks away dejected, one hand on his forehead, the other holding a white-coloured cellphone.

"Fuck you, iMaps."

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Another one bites the dust.....

"Chhutta nai hai", "We'll sit for your appraisal tomorrow", "..yeah, I fucked her,too",  "Gas kam hai", " .... can't see you like this. Why don't you gym?", "...lekin jugaad karne aana chahiye. 'Jugaad' is very important", " 'adapt' aur 'adopt' - apne ko samajh aana chahiye", "bhosadchot khanche", "Wurr-nurr Herrzogg!", " yeh gulzaar sa'ab ki likhi hai,beta...", "sorry, i go out only with friends", "you've been good and we've been Megadeth", "...that's what she said!", " ....sorted.", "chup kar chutiye..", "chottaiy, tension mat le tu", "vodka is the new whiskey", "for a digital agency, it's amazing how u guys want to work with printouts", "this meeting is boring yaar", "yeh reena chudasma kaun hai?", "....hindu,muslim....whichever God you pray to.......", "paatrao zhopi gela asaa", "dark chocolate...that's me, na?!", " raamjaane bolega toh dega woh", "tu phukat ka overreact kar raha hai", " what instrument do you play?....................I think I'll go out for a smoke.", "blocking u if u dont shut up"............and many more.

Thank you for being there.

No, y'all didn't make my day that day.

Just added on to the moments.

Cheers.........see you on the other side.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Rushing towards decadence

In the last few days, there were two news pieces that shocked me - further making me convinced that this world is turning more and more into a decadent living organism. 

Praveen Halappanavar stood beside her like a rock as he watched his wife get consumed by theocracy. Sunita Halappanavar, 31, 17 months pregnant, died in an Irish hospital due to ill health and pains on October 28th - just because the government of Ireland considers abortion illegal. Ireland is a predominantly Catholic country.

It's a shame to know that in this day and age, religion occupies a higher than the survival of an individual, even in such crucial moments. I mean no disrespect to anybody's religion, but where is it written that you outght to follow the path of God while denying the opportunity of life to an individual. In this case, had the laws not been so stringent, Savita would have lived on at the expense of a miscarriage. It's about damage control, disaster management - being puritanical in such a case never helps. 

Moreover, this should have been the Halappanavars' call completely. Now what has happened here is the state, albeit indirectly, is involved in the death of an individual. In the wake of this incident, pro-choice activists have created a furore and have been demanding for the Irish abortion laws to revamped. 

But what about Savita Halappanavar...?

A few days later, while Mumbai (Bombay) was laid under siege for an entire weekend while bereaved followers flocked the Shivaji Park grounds to pay their last respects to Mumbai's uncrowned king, right-wing leader Balasaheb Thackeray on his death, a girl based in a faraway suburb of Mumbai - Palghar - chose to express her grief, over losing the entire weekend to fear and impotence on the part of the system, on Facebook.  Her status update, though deemed crude by many, were a basic statement of facts, once you carefully analyze her entire 'rant'. The next thing you know, she's been arrested by the cops for 'hurting religious sentiments' and a friend of hers has been booked as well for 'liking' the update.

The Sections, it seems, of the Indian Penal Code weren't even the right ones, under which they were arrested. And this wasn't just it - Shiv Sena hooligans trashed her uncle's clinic and no action is being taken against that as well. Because of such incidents, the common man - the Mumbaikar, in this case - is losing his faith in the law and order. 

Luckily, the power of social media helped this issue go viral and thanks to a little help from Justice Katju, the wrath of this injustice could be ended. The victim was granted bail and so was the friend. However, the fear is still deeply injected in their minds. Fear of raising your voice against injustice. Fear of being a puppet at the hands of the powers-that-be (not the Government). Fear of turning into an Iran or a North Korea. 

Wading through these waters, as people have been over the years, seeking an end to this decadence will always be on our minds. The journey, however, will be smoother if and when we start considering human lives much more important than perceived beliefs - may it be religious or endorsed by the state. Or enforced by the fundamentalist powers of the land.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

What goes down during a man's bath...

I came across a meme a few days, which displayed the two versions - the woman's take and the man's - on what exactly goes down during a man's bath. According to women, men masturbate. According to men - now this was very epiphanic - men tend to contemplate about their lives. That, is true.

It usually begins with realizing that once entered, the bathroom is a very small place. Your thoughts will eventually run into you - there will be nothing else to think about when the warm water splashes on your head from the pail or the shower. You feel cornered.

Statistics start getting compiled in your brain. You start going through the events of the day gone by, analyzing every action, every reaction of all the characters who are now a part of your mind's 70mm documentary. Epiphanies find a place as footnotes - at times, like that Microsoft Clip character - serving as a portal, taking you back into the deepest levels of your casket of rich memories. Sometimes you cherish those moments, some times you wish you hadn't. Nonetheless, you realize you can't really control the reel and the movie goes on and on.

Within seconds, a huge wave of emotion is riding inside of you, multiplying with every ripple and undercurrent. A minute later, you're a happy homer, seeing the world through Mrry Poppins' eyeglass. Or you're pre-fame Kurt Cobain, burning and slashing every figment of social obligation and behavioural standards to suit your own ego and mind. Life is pretty much all about ebbs and surges for the next few minutes. Or hours.

Deflection then arrives in the form of work or any other activity which allows you to switch off that part of your brain. Atleast it lets you think so...... You know that it's there, rumbling like a bad gassy bowel movement. Your day goes on and other events find a place on your agenda. Some accounted for. Some out of sheer spontaneity. Your mind is programmed to finish off each task - deal with your load of work, by the assignment/ find a solution for your overtly chatty friend's problems/bare with the boss's shenanigans/try and not-embarass yourself in front of the pretty girl at work/ listen to parents rant about my general direction in life/put yourself in the protagonist's place while the TV sitcoms are on.

Before you realize it's morning again....the sleep has been banished to a land far away....your body is soiled. It's time for that bath again.

Friday, June 1, 2012


Gloom is our religion
gloom is our god
gloom is what we shall feed on when everything else has a price tag

We will blame gods
we will venerate them
we will doubt their existence and excrete on them
we will run from pillar to post
to find gloom in everything

Gloom is our religion
gloom is our god
gloom is the opportunity cost for the life that we have feared to live

Our monies will lay down our identities
Plural lives we shall lead and be happy
in a cubicle, we will make and choke our dreams

Gloom is our religion
gloom is our god
gloom is the naked man on the street with a broken-toothed smile

Our carpets will make us look classy
and help us hide all our dirt 'neath
Censoring the truths shrouded by the young lady's skirt

Gloom is our religion
gloom is our god
gloom is that single bullet that you flinch from loading into your gun